Breaking Up

Letter Achives

Have you ever wondered why breaking up is so hard? Why, even when you know you have to break up, it feels like someone ripped your heart out of your chest, and left it on the highway?  When I was a teenager, I dated a few guys who were older than me. It was the usual routine. We would become friends at first, and then, well, I was in love. Right?

But after a while, I would begin to feel oppressed. I felt that these guys were alittle too possessive and domineering, and soon I was always longing to be free.
 
Of course I always blamed it on them. Even if they were good enough guys, and really cared for me, I became resentful of everything. I felt stuck, but I thought there was no way out. I remember tense, uneasy relationships. We fought and argued a lot. I couldn’t understand why I was so unhappy all the time. After all, I was in love, wasn’t I?
 
Eventually, the break up would come and I was thrown into emotional turmoil. I thought I was making the wrong decision. I needed him and him and him. Everyone said that guy was perfect for me. Why was it so difficult for me to figure it out? Why was it so hard to break up?  
 
Looking back, seeing these situations a little more clearly, I realize that I was very dishonest. I had told these guys that I loved them.  I had been physically intimate with them right from the start. My body had a certain language, and it was saying, “I’m yours.”  
 
I should have asked myself, “Where will all this intimacy lead?” I thought that showing affection with kisses and other intimate gestures was just….expressing how you feel. I didn’t realize that all the time, it was leading us closer together. Sometimes it was even a lie, because I didn’t really want to be closer!
 
Physical intimacy doesn’t just bond our bodies. It bonds our emotions. All the sweet things that lead up to sex, even just a cuddle, are “bonders.” Sex is the strongest glue of all, because when you have sex, you are holding nothing back. It is the most powerful body language. {josquote}It says, “I love you so much I want you to have my body.” This is the greatest gift you could give someone, because your body is you.{/josquote}
 
I have a friend who is fifteen, and very beautiful. Her mom sometimes nudges me to give her advice about dating. What I tell her is the advice I wish I had when I was fifteen; I urge her to hold off a bit when guys show interest, and wait for a guy whom she could consider marrying. There are a lot of attractive guys out there. But if he’s the kind of guy that can’t keep a job or a relationship, he’s not a reliable choice! Cute guy, but has a drinking problem? It’s not worth it, Baby!
 
I’m not saying “Don’t ever date”. Dating is part of our culture, and an important way for guys and girls to get to know each other. But because it’s so easy to fall into a cycle of getting “stuck”, it’s important to make a set of rules for yourself. These are your own, personal, unspoken rules of dating. They will help you make choices that lead to your happiness. They can be rules like: don’t kiss on the first date. (You never have to “pay” for your date with your intimacy.) Or: the evening always ends on my doorstep. No sleeping together. I like Rebecca St. James' policy on dating.
 
{josquote}Just over a year ago, on a windy autumn night, my future husband, my "forever man" asked me for my permission to court me. This time, I was determined to do it right.{/josquote} I risked a big request. Was he willing to have a relationship without physical intimacy? I told him my experiences. To my surprise, he agreed. We didn’t discuss where we’d draw the line, but I had my unspoken rules. We didn’t even hold hands until we were engaged!
 
While this might sound extreme, it was wonderful for us. It helped us see each other for who we were. It helped with the decision-making, because our judgment wasn’t clouded. We became even better friends. It was also romantic. It gave our love a special passion, knowing that what we were denying ourselves now would be extra special after our wedding. It was an investment in future happiness. And believe me, when you’re practicing chastity, there is a special magic in those looks and those little sweeps of your hand on somebody else’s hand!
 
This is my husband’s first relationship. He never had another girlfriend before me. His love for me is like the perfect present, which was waiting all his life to give to me on our wedding night. And I have to tell you: it’s great! It’s totally worthwhile to hold off on sex. I only wish that he was my first boyfriend.
 
However, I know that I can make my love new each day. No matter how far you’ve gone, or how much you think you’ve used up your gift, don’t worry. You can start now. You can be that gift all over again, and it will be the most precious thing to your "forever man", knowing that you saved yourself for him even before you knew who he was!