God knows I don't know what to do anymore. As soon as everything starts going right I have to mess it up and set myself back months. I was coping really well and getting past the depression, but I just can't do this anymore. I can't play pretend and go back to living everyday going through the motions. I keep torturing myself, wanting a baby with such ferocity that I want to kill myself

if i could only see your face baby i would rest a while

if i could only see your gummy toothless smile

if i could only hold you while your tears fall

and you wail with a deafening call

if i could only be your mother one more time

if i could only wipe your face when you have face paint made of food

if i could only teach you how to tell the bad from

did they put you

in a jar

or a tube,

 and tossed you aside

in a rusty old  sink

like garbage?

 id like to call up God

and ask him why.....

 why my cries were

never heard, 

 and why noone ever cared,

and why i was left without you..

 why