I've gone through the last few years faking .... faking that I'm ok and that I'm happy and stable. I guess that I'm a better actress than I gave myself credit for. I've started crashing again, just too many things going on right now. Aergean nearly died and I thought I would too, if he didn't pull through... now I'm not sure  that I want to live, even though he's ok again....

I got woken up by a friend this morning... around 7am.... calling to tell me that  she's pregnant. I still dont know how I managed to talk to her for a half hour and pretend that I was happy for her and hadn't died inside again. Is it wrong of me to envy her like  this? To want what she has so badly that it's driving me insane?

I just want to get away from home for a while and clear my head.... I just want to be the old me again... with out having to pretend.  I just want to be completely happy and not resentful and angry and teary all the  time... but I dont even know of thats possible anymore.