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Jan 07
2009 |
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It wasn't as perminent as I thought, it wasn't final. I've always been believed that it solved problems, but that changed when it was my turn to make the decision. I knew that I had to but that never made it easier...
Afterwards I pretended everything was alright, that I was fine with what I had chosen to do, but I wasn't. A part of me died that day on that table, I willnever be the person I was before the procedure. I don't think I'll ever really be ok again. I kept telling myself that therapy and anti depros would make me feel human again, but it didn't, I think it made it worse. If there was an answer, a pill, a treatment that could wipe away the memory of that child or that could make me feel like myself again, I'd try it, I'd try anything. I'm so desperate to be ok, just ok... not fine or perfect, just plain ok.
There isn't a day that goes by when I don't think about it, when I don't wonder about my little baby. Would it have been a boy or a girl? I would've wanted a little girl, Sophia, that's what I would have named her... Would she have resembled me or her father? I picture her with her father's kind, warm, loving green eyes... I can imagine her first steps, her first words, but I'll never experience that with her, because I killed her. What kind of mother kills their unborn child?! Sometimes I think I didn't deserve that perfect little angel, that I'm not good enough to love and appreciate a precious gift like that.
I spend every hour of every day remembering that mistake, reminding myself, punishing myself fro having an abortion... The longing to rectify that mistake, to have another child to make up for what I did is so intense and all consuming. The pain gets worse every time I see a pregnant woman, when I see a mother with her new born baby, when I hear a baby laugh or cry, it breaks my heart into a million tiny pieces and I cant put it back together anymore.
Evangeline.
written by lianamutombu , March 12, 2009
written by MissKirsty , January 12, 2009
There is no pill or treatment that can take away your sadness, but you can be free from the guilt. I know that a lot of people say that you need to forgive yourself, but I know that it doesn't work. The only thing that will ever EVER set you free from your guilt is forgiveness from Jesus Christ.
Punishing yourself is not healthy and will not bring your baby back, but I do understand because I do the same thing to myself over my mistakes.
You will always grieve over your little one, but you really and truly don't have to be under the burden of what you did anymore. I know that it sounds cliche and silly, but you won't ever be free until you have given your abortion and your guilt to Jesus.
Hugs!
written by baby_girl91 , January 09, 2009
written by Roosemax , January 08, 2009
Wow. You've been through so much. I know I can't do or say anything to make it right, but I hope you know that you are valuable and have so much potential. Your words are so poetic-- I'm sure lots of girls like me will be read your story and be reached with the message you have to share. I heard about a couple of things that might help you out a little-- one is a website, called Operation Outcry (I think?). You can create a profile and get support from other women/girls learning to live after an abortion. The other is a really good book that I've read, called "Her choice to Heal" by Sydna Masse, and it's really compassionate and helpful.
Thanks for being so brave to share your story! ~Kelsey
written by DamagedOx , January 08, 2009
Thank you for commenting on this article post. Remember, if you have a personal question, writing a Dear Becky letter and or posting in the forums is the only way to ensure a fast and specific answer from one of our Stand Up Girls. Thank you!
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