God knows I don't know what to do anymore. As soon as everything starts going right I have to mess it up and set myself back months. I was coping really well and getting past the depression, but I just can't do this anymore. I can't play pretend and go back to living everyday going through the motions. I keep torturing myself, wanting a baby with such ferocity that I want to kill myselfeverytime I see a negative pregnancy test.

I can't keep living like this, with the shadows of my dead children looming over m life. I have so much hate and anger inside that I punish myself and torture myself with their memories. I go through every day, hoping and praying and wishing and dreaming to be pregnant again... I live myself so deep into the fantasy, that I don't want to come back to reality. Every morning when I wake up, I look beside me, to where my daughters had lain only a few minutes ago in my dreams.

I can't do this anymore.

I'm screwing up my relationship because of my inability to cope with the past. A baby has become a determining factor in my and Aergean's relationship and I'm disgusted by the fact that it's not about having a baby with him anymore.... it's about any baby that will fill the void.

I don't know what to do or who to turn to anymore. I feel so isolated, lost and alone in all of this. The only thing that gets me through the day is alcohol and prescription medication, I can't seem to function when I'm sober anymore. I just wanna take a handful of diazepam and make the pain go away. I don't want to feel anymore. No more hurt and pain and heartache and sorrow...

I want to die.

I want to die and be with my angels in heaven, where I can love them and take care of them and be the mother I should've been. God, I hate myself so much for being so pathetically weak.

Evangeline