Hey Guys,

Its my first time posting on this forum.

Basically four years ago this September I had an abortion and it was the biggist mistake of my life. I was offered no counseliing, had no one to talk my decision through and could not tell my parents. My boyfriend was there for me and we are still together now. At the time we had only been going out together for 6 months.

Still to this day I have my good days and bad days. Everytime I have a bad day its about the pregnancy.

My life is consumed by this mistake I made and I still cry hysterically about it now. Im 20 years old and was just 16 when I found out.

I want children so bad that me and my boyfriend have decided to try for a baby at the end of next year. However everyday I wish it was next year. It rules my life and its all I think about. I just dont know how I can stop thinking like this. Things spark of memories about the operation which was so horrible. I sometimes take it out on my boyfriend and ask him why on earth we made the decision to have an abortion. My parents still dont know and I dont think I can ever tell them as they will just judge me and blame my boyfriend.

Has anyone else had a similar experience or just wish they could have children now. I hate the fact it rules my life.

Thanks everyone,

Charlotte.

Oh Charlotte, I wish I could reach through the screen and hold you against my shoulder so you could just let go and weep...honey you need to do what you need to do to heal and not be afraid of your parents..their hearts will probably break right along with yours and they may shock you with the love they can offer you, this was 4 years ago, if they dare hold this over your head you are at the age where you are not under their parental rules anymore and you do not have to owe them any other explanation then the one you give them...I am glad that your boyfriend has stuck by your side, that is very rare, although you two made a very poor and difficult decision 4 years ago you have made the best of your relationship and I hope it only grows sweeter as you two learn how to forgive each other, yourselves and heal...have you heard of Rachel's Vinyard Retreats? Google it, I am thinking about going on one just to gain better knowledge of how to help women just like you to heal...Please look into it, also look into getting some post abortive counseling, it would be good for you to go alone and also for your boyfriend to go alone and then for you to to go together for some sessions, they may be able to help you find the best way to tell your parents so that you do not have this unbearable weight on your shoulders...lay it down, take some deep breaths, and forgive yourself sweetie...you are allowed to miss that precious little angel, you are allowed to grieve and you do not need to feel guilty for wanting to heal...I am here anytime you need to talk and if you need more info on Rachel's Vinyard just give a holler...I will be praying for you and I hope this helps a bit, I am so glad you found the site...Love Meg, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

Hei Charlotte!

My name is Monika and I can somehow relate to what your feeling for 100%.

It was,and still is,that wish of having children,the one which somehow ruled my life.
All I could,and am thinkin about is having a baby..

I also had my abortion at 16 (you have it under my blog),and also my parents till this day don't know I had one.
I got pregnant in last september,but that pregnancy didn't fulfill the loss of the aborted baby,I am still learning to forgive myself,and slowly heal (even if its been 3 years allready)
so that ill be free for another one.

I have lost my twin girls this year in february,they were born 2 soon..

I mostly have bad days cause of them..and even through the huge grieveing of their loss,there are still hours/evenings when I'm totally down cause of the aborted baby..

I guess this is the pain we are allways going to carry with us?

If you want to talk,anytime,just pm me!

Love,
Monika

Thank you for your reply it helps so much. If I had only have seen this website before I made my choice I still may have my baby to hold onto today.

I know it has happened and is now in the past. The thing that is hard for me now to cope with, is that I have got to wait another 18 before we try for baby properly this time. It feels like I am on a massive timeline and days feel like months and months feel like years.

I am just waiting now till that time where we can both try for a baby. How am I supposed to wait another 18 months that I am so deperatly wanting a baby now.

Me and my boyfriend brough a house together a year ago now so we are in a stable position. I am not sure how people are supposed to afford child care though as our monthly bills and outgoings are so high.

I just don't know what to do and how I am going to get through these 18 months. Everyday is such a struggle and I am wishing the time I do have before we try away. Its all I can think abou and it rules my life. I even smoke just so I can get through the time aand I can be that little bit closer as each day finishes and a new day begins.

Thanks so much for your support.

Charlotte.

Hello Charlotte,

I am sorry for your pain and your loss. As I read your story, I felt I was reading my own. I also wish that I had the resources and other options available to me that are now being offered, especially through StandUpGirl.

The baby that I thought, at the time, was an insignificant burden, is now that baby I desire to hold close to my chest. The baby that I felt was a mistake and one that I would never look back on, is now the one that whispers to me "I love you Mommy" when I'm walking in the country. My baby is a constant dream that will go unfullfilled in this lifetime and although our baby who had no voice at the time, and was the defenseless one that we lost that day in that cold abortion clinic, she is the one that speaks the loudest to us and is the driving force behind everything my husband and I do now to bring awareness to others of the cruel effects, both physically and emotionally, that abortion has on women's health. I've just recently made a post in the forum titled, 'FDA, AMA, CDC WARNING!!' I hope that if you have time you will read it.

You see...I'm not to forget her. I'm not to forget how he touched my life in such a sweet and indirect way. The life of our child is only a dream of what we could've had, and only a dream of what we could've shared with the world. From the grief and sorrow that I carried in my heart for so many months and years as I waited and prayed for another chance, I soon found that my painful loss became tiny glimpses of our baby in the faces of our other children.
We don't know whether our baby was a boy or a girl, but I see my little baby boy in the eyes of my 13 yr. old son as he's talking to his father about life, love and war. I know the pride he would've had embracing his father as he came home from the war in Iraq and I even feel the warmth and love he would've had for me as he laid his head on my lap for me to rub his hair.

My little girl would've been nothing short of the sweet innocence I see in my six daughters who surround me with laughter and indescribable love. She is in everything they do and I almost feel as if she's right beside me holding my hand and her sisters' hands as we all walk down the path in the woods. As I cry, she is putting her hand on my shoulder this minute and giving me the courage to tell you this so that YOU may see there can be no life in vain.

In sharing your very personal and emotional story, you can give release to the spirit of your baby so that there can be healing. You can help to save the lives of other women's babies and in helping to fight against abortion, you may also take some of the anxiety out of your life by filling it with a useful work.

You can always email me or leave a message for me in my guest book if you'd like to talk more, but I hope that you continue to read the forum posts and search out any other post abortive resources that may be helpful to you.

Love and support,
myangelsinheaven