Hello friend,
I'm sorry that you are feeling the pain losing your baby to abortion. I too have felt that pain, and still do but in a different way than I did over 20 yrs. ago. I also felt the pain of what I'd done almost immediately after leaving the clinic and that feeling consumed me for years.
I've had a dream recently that I've not shared with anyone, but continue to play it over in my mind throughout the day. I feel my dream has come from my involvement here on StandUpGirl helping other girls make sense of their choice to abort, helping them face what has happened and by helping them put it into the correct perspective.
I wasn't sure who I would tell my dream to, but I feel it is appropriate to share it with you if you don't mind.
I'm standing on a high cliff with my eyes closed looking towards the sky. I'm taking in big breathes of air and exhaling slowly as if I've not been able to breathe before. My whole body is feeling the release of the air from my lungs and I feel a sense of calmness come over me and notice that my once tense arms and clenched fists are now wrapped gently across my own chest. I was giving myself a hug that I so desperately needed. (a hug of forgiveness and understanding)
As I look past the cliff ahead of me, I see a long swinging bridge made of tattered rope and rotting planks of wood. The wind is blowing and making the bridge sway, and I see a dark canyon below with shadows I thought I recognized and cold rocks that reminded me of a place I'd been before in my life. There were sounds that gave a chill to my skin and I found myself trying to recall where I'd heard them in the past.
I look across the bridge and my face turns to one of concern and I feel a heaviness in my chest.....I see a young girl begin to bravely cross the bridge taking one small step on the first thin board. I can see her struggle to keep her balance because the bridge begins to sway even wider from the weight of what she's carrying. She reaches for the side rails made of rope, but they too are loose and nonsupportive and give way to the desperate grab of her sweaty hands. She has a look of fear and unbearable pain in her eyes, and she searches frantically for her next step. Will this one fail her? Will she be on a solid piece of wood the next time she places her foot down and will it hold her long enough so that she may take another and continue across the swinging bridge? I want to shout out to her, "NO, not there....try that one!" and "Don't grab that piece of rope, it will fail you!! Reach further!!"
I begin to watch her every move as if I'm taking those steps for her....every shaky step across the swinging bridge over that dark canyon. I see the bridge begin to sway even wider now as she makes her way towards the middle of the bridge, and it unsettles her and she forgets her progress so far. She begins to glance down to the depths below and has a look of sadness and weak surrender on her face as if she just wants to stop trying. She's motionless and weak from her journey, and if I were standing there with her I'm sure I'd hear her say, "I'm tired of trying, there's no hope, I'll never make it across, I thought this was the right path to take."
I know that look from somewhere.....I walked that swinging bridge and thought those same things. I looked down into those dark shadows of despair and grief and they covered my soul and held me down in that canyon. I sat on those cold rocks where nothing seemed to bring me warmth, and the sounds that she was hearing, cried out to me as well until my ears were burning.
I began to call out to that young girl from where I was at and told her not to look down anymore. "Look at me, and never look down there again. Don't look at those rotting planks under your feet, just walk!! Don't fumble for rope to hold you, just continue to reach here!!" I kept yelling for her to keep moving and not listen to the sounds below her feet. As I yelled for her I found myself making my way across the swinging bridge towards her because I didn't want her to feel alone as that bridge continued to swing wider than it had before. I wanted to give her the support she needed to make it across safely, afterall, she was a little girl just like me trying to make that long journey. I had to show her the way. I wanted to show her that I'd never leave her there alone struggling to make it across that ugly dark canyon.
As I joined her three-fourths of the way across, I put my sweater across her shoulders and pushed the hair away from her eyes so that she could see. I smiled at her and looked into her eyes. I felt her take in a long deep breath, and she exhaled slowly as if she'd never breathed before. I told her, "There's a place over there where you can rest. I'll help you make it the rest of the way across."
I've thought a lot about my dream and what it means for me in my life and how I can be there to reach out to the young girls and women making it across that swinging bridge. My heart is aching for you and your baby as it does for my own.....
I am there across the other side of the bridge reaching out to you, and I know the journey you're about to make. I can help you make it across. Many women and other young girls on this site can offer you love and support to help you across.
Please stay in contact with this site as often as you can, and continue to share with your mother and boyfriend because you need their supportive love.
Thank you for letting me share with you, and giving me the opportunity to help you.
much love and support,
myangelsinheaven
