My darling, precious angel
It's been so long and still, the pain is as fresh as if it happened only yesterday. Sometimes it feels like I'm still stuck on August 7th, 2007... I think a part of me will always be stuck on that dreaded day. I've been trying so hard to forgive myself for the mistakes I made, the mistakes that took you from me, but I never will. I cling to the memories of our short time together with ever increasing desperation, sometimes deliberately torturing myself with thoughts of you.
I've learned to live with your ghost, that dictates my every mood, my every emotion... I see you in the faces of passing children, I hear you in their laughter and their cries. How I wish I could wipe your tears, comfort your fears , hear your innocent laugh and your gentle breathing, feel your tiny fingers curl around my finger. I ache to rock you to sleep, feel your heart beating against my breast as you enter your dream land. I want to chase away the monsters under your bed, tell you stories about princesses in towers, in lands far far away from all this heartache and sadness.
We never talk about you, your father and I. I wish we did. Sometimes when we lie in bed at night, there's a silence that I want to fill with your memory, but I think it's too painful for him too sometimes... I don't even know if he thinks about you these days. He's a wonderful man, I know that he would've been an amazing father to you. Please don't be angry with him, he was just as overwhelmed and confused as I was. We thought we were doing the right thing at that time. Everything he does is to make life comfortable enough for us to try again. I am waiting impatiently for you, I know that you are waiting to come back to me.
I miss you my beautiful darling, Sophia.
All my love, for eternity
Mommy Eva xoxo
