Hey Girl
I know it hurts right now, that what happened is tearing into you deeply and you don't know what to do with all the pain, but there's hope. The really is. I know sometimes it can look like there can't be hope because your baby is gone and can't be brought back o you- but there's hope because one day you can go to that baby and see your baby in heaven. I don’t know if you believe in God, I do and that's what gives me hope every single day to live, you may think that maybe he's not for you because of what you did- but he is as much for you as he is for anyone else. you need to turn to him, he's no going to to turn you away- he doesn't hate you, he thinks you're worth it and the truth is you will struggle to forgive yourself unless you can first realize that he has forgiven you, that if you ask him, he's not going to turn you away, he's going to give you full and total forgiveness and I don't know what is, but when God forgives you, it gives you hope to forgive yourself, because people often feel like God is the highest judge and when he has mercy on you- then you will be to start the process of forgiving yourself. You do deserve better and you can turn your life around- but to do that you need someone to help you shoulder the pain and sometimes it seems like no one can do that, that's why you argue with your boyfriend because you expect the other to help shoulder the pain, but it's not easy… I think it's because your pain is often special just for you- sometimes even if you meet someone who's had the same experience as you have had, you can sometimes still feel like they don't understand because they can't see into you. That's why God's so different, because unlike everyone else he can see into your heart- only he can see straight into it and only he is big enough to help you carry the pain that you're shouldering… his love is complete, he'll understand the things that your boyfriend doesn't understand, he won't get frustrated with your pain, he's so patient and you know it's even written in the bible that he is close to the broken hearted and that he has recorded your tears- you're not insignificant to him, you're not any less special now than you were before… when you hurt, it hurts him too. If you can accept his forgiveness and take the pain to him- just talk to him about it the way you'd talk to friend who's there, it will take something off your shoulders and he can help you rebuild your life. The bible also says that he LONGS- he is desperate to show compassion to you… he has your baby in his arms and now he's just waiting for you to join the promise- for you to receive his promise of beauty for ashes. There's a part in the bible when he says "to those who mourn I will give beauty for ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning and a garment of praise instead of one of despair… I will rebuild the ruins and restore the places long devastated…" it also says "Come let us talk together, though the things you've done are as red as scarlet, I shall wash them as white as snow." God loves you- it may sound cliché, but let me put it this way- You're God's weakness, when he hears you cry, it strikes his heart- it hurts him too.
You seem like you've tried everything else, what do you have to lose by trying God? I can promise you that you won't regret it, because not only does he promise to forgive you and forget what you've done, he also promises to make a new plan for your life, he says "I know the plans that I have for you, plans to make you prosper and give you a future and a hope." I know it may look impossible right now- but God can do the impossible. You have nothing to lose- except all the guilt and pain. We're all here for you, we'll help you through this.
Love Nicki.
