I had an abortion on the 17th of november. It was the single hardest decision I have yet to make in my life (I'm only 18, i'm sure stuff gets way harder from there...) I felt very pressured into it by my boyfriend. I feel like he never really cared enough about anything we did to realize that we could have kids, we could really mess our lives up.....or make them so much worthwhile.
I remember handing him my test and telling him we needed to talk (because he wasn't speaking to me at the time) and I think that's where it all began. I felt alone stuggling with the decision of wether I should be strong for myself and the choice that I made and tell him i was sticking to my views and we were having a baby, or should I just cave in and do this for him...or us. I felt alone...well, not really alone.
I remember sitting in the clinic...again, feeling alone, and him asking if he could be at band practice by 345. I can barely keep myself in the clinic, and he wants me to be out as soon as possible!!! Needless to say, i felt like the smallest thing in the world right then. Like music and fangirls and working hard to get signed were his 1 2 and 3 priorities. I was just a minor little problem...like the peanut in my belly.
It hasn't gotten easier since then, in fact, I've gotten alot worse. I don't feel like I can talk to him. I don't feel like I can talk to anyone. I feel so alone right now.
I remember being a depressed little 14 year old, and NEVER EVER EVER feeling this alone. This hurt and used and abused by someone.
I figured he would be a little boy, since my grandfather had just passed. Samuel James Olsen....My little angel.
The two men who hurt me the most in my life, but loved me no matter what. My boyfriend and my father.
and now I feel like no one's here.