I had an abortion on Feb.25th, my baby's due date was Oct 11th, so she would have been born in about a month. I was in the middle of my senior year in high school when I had my abortion. Now I am in college and I have just about no drive what so ever to finish, all I want (and I want it with every fiber of my being) is to be pregnant again, as if this will some how make me alright again and \"undo\" what I did. I always had dreams about my career and how I was going to get a masters and be really successful. That's all gone now, the only thing that keeps me going is when I think about what my future children are going to think of me if I drop out (and I know that they probably won't think anything of it because my mom never went to college and I never even thought about it, it just isn't a big deal). I also want to be able to provide a good life for my children and that's another thing that keeps me going. It's just really hard. I wish I didn't do it but there is nothing that I can do.... to ease the pain or anything.

KiraJade,

I can understand how you feel like you want to be pregnant again after you lost your baby. However I wouldn't advise trying to get pregnant just to fill up the emptiness and lonliness that you feel from your abortion. I dropped out of college for a while after I was going through some severe depression. Since most of my relatives are college graduates I felt like a failure. Also more than that I felt like I had failed myself. It took 8 years from start to finish, and it was difficult because I was working full time and taking classes also but I managed to make it through and graduate and I am now in grad school. Your future children will love and respect you no matter what and you are not a failure either way. I would focus on college and building up yourself. You will make a great mother someday, but I would wait to try to get pregnant again until you are in a loving and stable relationship with a husband who will be there for you and your family. If you ever need to talk I am here.

Kate

Thanks for your advice. You have replied to every post I have made and each one has been insightful and was either the voice of reason when I was considering something not so smart or the answer to a very difficult question. I'm glad every thing turned out ok with your baby and I hope that your husband manages to quit smoking. Thanks again for all your help and by the way, what are you getting your degree in?

Hi KiraJade,

I'm glad you found my advice helpful. I don't have all the answers but I'm here to talk and listen anytime you need it. My undergrad degree was in environmental studies with a minor in art, but I am working on my masters in textile design. I am very interested in quilting, fabric dying, and fiber art.

After the first ultrasound I thought everything was OK with my son. Unfortunately, that appears to not be the case. I had an appointment with a high risk ob/gyn today for more ultrasounds and there are some fairly serious brain abnormalities, and not much that can be done but to hope and pray for the best. It sounds like the pregnancy is pretty high risk and he will likely face surgery and special needs when he is born, but there is still a chance that the damage could be minimal. i'm pretty much a nervous wreck! So is my husband. I have faith that he will eventually manage to quit smoking but today was obviously not the day.

Kate

I'm very sorry to hear about your son. I wish I had some eloquent thing to say or just some thing that would ease your mind. I know that you will rise to this challenge and handle it with the most grace and I know that your son will be born into capable hands and will be loved much more than you thought possible to love any one. Have faith that, although you may grow tired, you will never regret your son and nothing can make you give up hope. Through this you will learn a lot about yourself and, among many, one thing you will learn is that there is no love like a mother's and you will finally understand how true it is. Remember to take joy in the little things and to use them to help you through the more difficult. Your son will be the best thing that will ever happen to you. I hope that every thing works out for the best. If you ever need to talk I wouldn't mind lending an ear. Take care.

KiraJade,

Thanks for your support. That means a lot to me! By the way, I forgot to ask, what you are studing in college?

Kate