I dont really know where to start. My heart is thudding in my chest as I type, because I am so worried at the replies I may recieve. I am not sure I can cope.

I need to start this by opening up and briefly telling you who I am. I am a 25 year old lost female.
I live my aunt who has brought me up since the age of 10. My mother was a drug addice and my step father didnt accept me as I was not his own blood. I do not remember a loving family home from my parents. EVER. And to this day I still struggle with that feeling of being unwanted. Rejected even. I live with that every single day.

My aunts brought me up. They saved me from care homes. They took me in and really tried there best. They are both strict catholic and tried to install values and good in me. They always put me first.

Since one of my aunts passed away I have felt the loss in my life a million times worse. I struggle day to day about her passing. The two aunts have only ever been the 2 people in my life who made me feel "worthwhile". Half of my support is gone now and I have struggled with her death since 2004 when she left us.

Anyways.... In my aunts memory I have tried to turn my life around and make her proud of me. I want to do good with my life and make her efforts and her sacrifices worth while.
When she died I went off the rails and wanted to feel loved again, I got in tow with a nice lad and I just wanted him to love me. I fell pregnant, and decided that this was it. I would have someone to love me unconditionally. I was going to keep this baby. I told my family. No one was that happy about it. I was 21 with no prospects and living in a flat i could not afford to pay rent on. My partner was also struggling after being made redundent and my course I was attending became insignificant to me. I dropped out. My aunt was devestated at my stupidity and reminded me of the situation. I was pregnant and had nothing to support this child. She went as far as to say my dead aunt would be so disappointed in me and that I had no idea of what being a mother was, and most importantly I was letting history repeat iself. I thought about this and went into severe depression. I could not even face getting up in the morning and eventually with the support of my aunt I terminated the pregnancy. Vowing never to do this EVER again. AND that I would turn my life around.
(Please dont judge me)
So here i am 2010. I have just found out I am 7 weeks pregnant. I was on the pill and also took emergency contraception (I had a viral infection that I worried the medication could alter my pill so, the only time i had intercourse my doctor arranged the emerg contraceptive) I took it, no side effects. I thought everything was ok.
I missed a period.
I am 25 now. I am half way through my nursing degree at university. I still live with my aunt, who is sooooo proud of what i am doing with my life now and life was looking more positive. TILL THIS.

I have been with this guy for 1 year and a half almost. He is 28. The relationship has not been exactly healthy and we fight and split up almost on a weekly basis.
He came home from being away for 10 years in Ireland after he met me, and for one year was unemployed. This year saw him stay at home rent free. He had a lot of time on his hands and he made my life hell with paranoia and demands that i see him more. Even though I work part time and study full time. He hacked my email, phone, etc etc. He was very insecure and lost his temper alot. I was so unhappy but he always talked me round and quite honestly used emotional blackmail. He came home for me, and i was walking away etc.. I had ruined his life. I lost my sex drive with this guy, and to say once a month would not be an understatement. That is only after he throws a tantrum and it seems easier to give in.
Recently he has joined the police force and he is away till June. He still stays at home at weekend and at 28 still does not pay any rent to his parents and is very tight even with me with cash. I am a student and he still expects me to half EVERYTHING from a drink to a meal. This sounds silly but with a child on the way I cant afford this.
Anyways so here I am. With a man, that quite honestly I should not be with. I know this and I have tried on many occassions to get him out my life, but as usual he phones, texts, turns up at door, abuses me verbally till I agree to put in more effort. I know you will slate me for this, but I just want an easy life. He creates so much drama if I try to get out.
Plus, hand on heart, I am so insecure in myself I sometimes feel i will take anything than be alone, I worry about who i am and why i am so difficult to love. My boyfriend pretty much reminds me of this fact when we fight.
Well I am pregnant. I have no one to turn to. I cant tell my aunt. I will let her down again and she wont help support a baby. She quite rightly points out she brought me up. She wont do it again. I respect that. BUT I cant do this on my own. After digs and bills I have £170 to live on. I struggle so much, but I know I qualify soon.

The father wants to keep the baby and tells me i am selfish and sick in the head and pretty much a killer if I dont go through with this. I AM AN IDIOT! I HAVE BEEN HERE BEFORE AND I DID TAKE CONTRACEPTION TO PREVENT THIS. TWICE. My worry is.
I now know after this man grabbed me by the head and through me recently that if I keep this child I will be in his life forever. He has told me that if we do not live together and be a family he will take me to court. He will bring up all about my past and the fact my parents were abusive and that I have severe depression etc etc. He also said that he will point out after last termination I was in hospital for trying to end my life.
Not the makings of a stable mother. I lost it and verbally and physically lashed out. I am so ashamed. He recorded the whole thing and is now blackmailing me. I am so scared. If he goes to my uni he will ruin my career.
I have no one to turn to. I told 2 friends but i have not seen them since. I really know you will hate me, but I cant have this baby. I am not strong enough for the battle. I have let everyone down and this unborn child deserves better. Too many children are born into hell. I once was that child.
I am so confused. i have no one to talk to.
Sorry this is so long - I have started typing and I cant stop, I hate myself. But I dont want to have his child. Please help me

I honestly don't think any one here will hate you.. i think most of us have been through some type of hell in our life.

and advice on you situation.. If i was you i would do what is best for yourself and the child.. and not give a care what the father thinks because in my opinion if he really card for you he wouldn't be emotional or even physically abusing you.

ok! i know what's your feeling., your story made me cry so much., i felt the pain that you were carrying., im sorry about that., btw i want to introduce myself first., i am Camille 17 years old., i know im younger than you and here i am trying to help you., ok! this is it.. first with your aunties please do not stuck in your mind that you were not loved.. that no one loves you.. of course there's someone who truly loves you., and that's our GOD! well personally i am not a religious kind of person.. you know what's your wrong? for feeling not to be loved.. i can see that you do not love yourself.. you hate yourself so much., just think of this., how can others loves you?? if you yourself do not love yourself?? you have to love and give importance to yourself..in order for you to feel others love for you., and about the abortion thing., many women here had an abortion.. they were not judged by other girls here.. you have all our support., you have to forgive yourself.. on what you've done.. i know it's hard but you have to move-on.. how can continue your life if you make yourself stuck about the abortion., i know you don't like to that and you were just weak.. but now being pregnant again? and planning to have an abortion again? i think you've been weak for once and now you have to get-up girl., stand-up.. be strong.. for your yourself.. i don't like you too have the pain of having an abortion again.. how can you forgive yourself if you will do it again?? girl do not put yourself in pain again., you deserved to be happy., and the baby has the rights to live.. please do not have an abortion again! about your boyfriend?! i think he was blackmailing you coz he loves you so much., and he cannot live without you., he is afraid to lost you. it was just you who cannot see it., i know that abusing you by him is not good., but did you ever thought about his part? did you ever understand him? (i didn't mean to stay with him., even though you do not want to..) coz i can see that he wants to have family with you.. an almost perfect family! btw the way if you really do not want to live with him anymore then talk o your auntie you have to be honest with her., tell her what's your problem.. im pretty she will understand you., maybe at first she will freak-out but i know she can understand what going through.. she can help you to be out in the relationship of yours and your boyfriend., just keep in mind that you will continue your dreams even though having a baby.. and no one can stop you from that., but i think give your boyfriend a second chance coz i can see that he really wants to have a family with you., please try to fix your relationship with him., he loves you and you were just being blind because of what he doing just to get your love.. i hope 'd help you by this., please do not hesitate to wall me on my account., just search (cams2know) if there's anything wrong or bothering you., always remember that im always here., willing to help you., whatever happens., i love you., so please do not your mind that no one loves you coz i am an example., lots of love CAMS2KNOW (camille)

hello Splash, I feel for you, it is a tough situation. Maybe you can seek out some pro-life organizations to help you. In the US we have shelters in some cities for women who need a place to go for a short time. Maybe you can find a family who wants to adopt and will help pay for your care while you are pregnant. There is no judging here; all of us have made mistakes. I hope you are well. We care!

There is not one person here on this site that is here to judge. Everyone makes me mistakes. We're here to help. Girls on this site are teen moms, adult moms, teens struggling with the same thing you want to do...abortion. I think every woman has the right to choose weather she aborts her baby or not. I do not like the thought of it, but I, and no one else will ever judge you for your decision. I support you. You have legitimate reasons to go through with it. No one here hates you, and we don't judge you. Sometimes you need to thing about what is the right decision for you. And if this is it, then do it. You have gone through a lot and we're here for you

Hello,

We are not hear to judge you, but to comfort, support, and help you.
I am so sorry you are finding yourself in this predicament.

I think though, that you first need to understand that no one can make you have an abortion, they can pressure, but they cannot force you. And if you were to have had your first child you would not have been disappointing your Aunt, I am sure.

What you need to look at right now is, what is the next right thing to do. So may times we try to take too many things in and end up making bad choices. The most importance thing for your right now, is to worry about keeping your baby safe. Your boyfriend might threaten you but that does not mean he will follow through with it. If you feel the need for safety and protection I would call someone you trust, maybe your aunt or you could talk to someone at a pregnancy help center. But it is most important that you do not allow your boyfriend to pressure and threaten you in a way that would make you want to make a bad decision.
You said you had an abortion before, so, you must know what abortion does, both to you and the baby. Do not do it again. Do what is right no matter what.
I would also suggest you pray. It does work. God is really there and he loves you no matter what you have done. He loves me and I have made my share of mistakes. He is there ready to care for you. Just ask and He will listen to you.

I will be praying for you.
I am here if you ever want to talk.