so...as you know i lost my girls...on the 6th and 15th February...

since then life became hell...but i kind of manage to live in this hell...

but..im starting to somehow...scare myself.

i caught myself for milion times,thinkin about just...going out, grab a guy,have sex and hopefully get pregnant.

ahh many will probably think how slutty i am to think that...but so really...i got so much crap in the past months, i dont care if you think thatway,your problem.

but...im just scared i will really do that one time...just go and have sex with...someone.

i miss the feeling of carring a life inside of you...i miss the kicks...i miss the bump, even the feeling of being miserable...and feeling MY BABIES.

i just dont know...it seems like i cant stop thinkin about it,you know?

damn i am even standing in front of the mirror imagining how i would look with a bump right now...

i want a child.

not the way i wanted it when i was 16...17...even not 18.

not the way i wanted him after the abortion...not the way i felt before i got the fat positive with my girls...its deeper. its stronger. i cant explain it so really how it is, its just different.

so...my question is...whats happening,am i going crazy?

Honey, I am so sorry you are going through this misery, I don't know why some of us are able to keep our children and some of us are not...I guess the saying that it rains on the just and the unjust is true...You don't deserve this pain and if I could shoulder it for you for even one day I would take a turn to let your weak and broken heart rest...I know that there are no right words when it comes to grief and anguish, when I lost my mom to suicide the last thing I wanted to hear was, I know how you feel, so I am not going to tell you that I do because I do not, I am also not going to think that you are slutty to think about having sex with someone just to get pregnant, I understand your purpose in that but I do want to caution you that just randomly going out and doing something like that puts you are very high risk for something bad, you could be raped and murdered, you could end up with AIDS, you could get some other disease and at the very least you could wind up feeling used and dirty...have you gone to any counseling? I am not familiar with your country but here we have a place called Hospice, I went for grief counseling 7 years after my mom died, it took me a long time to go and when I finally did I found that I was not the only one who had the same questions and fears and issues, I was taught how to channel my grief in more positive ways, have you written your precious girls a letter? How about your first little one? Have you began the process of forgiving yourself? I love you and I really mean that, I think of you all the time and I wish so badly that I could reach through the screen and embrace you and let you melt into my arms and weep, scream, cry, kick your legs in a fit like a child or whatever you needed to do to release some of this pain...I just want you to know that even though I cannot feel what you do, I am still here for you and the love I have for you is strong...I want you to make it through this with as little permanent damage as possible, nothing will ever fill the void in your heart or in your womb but please be careful to not put yourself into a position to live with something else unfixable like AIDS...I am here anytime you want to talk or vent....Love Meg... This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

thanks Meg,it means alot...

as for the AIDS thing...i think we are one of the safest countries about that, there are only a few who have it, and there are like almost noone who are infected with HIV/year... the health system here is great...and well thats not really something im worried about.
i wouldnt go in bed with a stranger...i would know him for some time and that but...like i said, i do NOT WANT to do that...i am just seeing how im thinkin about that-its weird how i see that,sometimes i have a feeling that im not in my body but im looking on me from the outside you know? its hard to explain...a totally weird feeling.

and murder-there is max. one murdered person/year here.

but i get your point.

how are YOU doing? hows your chubby little girl?

thanks for everything Meg,really...it means alot to me.

No I don't think your crazy....just a little depressed. And to be honest that is completely warranted given what you have gone through the last couple of months. But going out and just having sex and hope to get pregnant is not going to make the pain go away. It is not going to solve your problems. You need to look at the whole picture let's say you do go out and have sex and do get pregnant how fair is that to your child? They will never know their father because you don't know the father. Most kids would REALLY struggle with not knowing or getting to ever see one of their parents. Not to mention the "father" of the child you have no idea who he is what if he has a wife or is abusive or a felon and one day your child finds him and wants to have a relationship. Having a baby might seem like it will fill the void but it wont. Being a parent now or for future children is about doing for them not for yourself. Deal with the pain and in time it will get easier you will find the right man that you know will be a wonderful father and get married and then have a baby. That's my advice take it or leave it. I wish you all the best and I am here anytime to chat. Jessica

I'm sorry for what you have went threw and what your going threw now. That's hard for one person to handle. I can't say that I fully understand what your going threw but I can tell you I have been in some pretty bad positions full of hard times, and had an urge to want something to fill the hole in my life.

It's ok to want something so bad, something to fill the hole in your life... but I can tell you it doesn't work that way. Although a baby is an amazing gift it sadly won't fill the space that those hard times left.

And your not crazy, not the least bit.

Thank you all for the replies.. I think..I do get what you aRe saying its just..its hard to deal with this pain. My girls would be 4months old..

Tell me HOW to deal with the pain..of losing your OWN child.. I don't know how to.
I doubt ill ever know.

And yea..wishing something really bad..I know how it is to wish it..in other situations,but like I allready said,its different this time. It never was that way you know,I just can't explain how..

I guess ill need to learn to live with that wish..and pain..and everything..