january 3rd 2009 was the day i crashed. it was the day of my abortion. before that when i was figuring out what i was going to do, i said i wanted to keep it but then everybody kept telling me to get an abortion, that i should get rid of it. i felt everybody looking at me with disgrace, my mom my dad my brothers. i know i am very young (14), but i think every girl has their choice. i went through with the abortion, after i walked out of the office i cried so much. i come home with really bad cramps. when i walked out of the office i just thought to myself what the hell did i just do? i lay in my bed crying, trying to go to sleep so i can sleep off the pain from the cramps and the pain of knowing what i did. i wish i never did that. i wish i could go back in time and take back what i did. i was 9 weeks and 2 days. i think about it all the time, wondering if it was going to be a girl or a boy, what i would have named him or her, what he or she would look like, how their smile would be their laugh their cry, how they would look like sleeping. i think about it day and night even still now. i'm hurting so much . its like apart of myself died like there apart of myself missing but i cant get it back. i have flaskbacks of when i sat up and saw the blood on the table and as i walked out of the office so many tears fall down my face and breaks my heart in half.self..i keep closing my eyes wishing i never went through with the abortion but when i open my eyes im still sitting there wishing i didnt do it..... ..i cant move on i can never forgive my to those girls who are figuring out what there going to do.. do what your heart tells
you....


**im sorry that i never gave you a chance
im sorry i did this to you
i understand if you hate me

but i just want you to know that i love you with all my heart and i am sorry

Hi there Kathy, I wish I could just give you a hug, because there really aren't enough words to express how sorry I am that yr going through all of this. I know what yr going through, because I've been there and even though it's been over a year, I still miss my daughter.

Please remember that you're allowed to grieve for your baby, yr allowed to cry and be sad because only after you've mourned properly can you really begin to forgive yourself and the others who were involved in your abortion.
Healing emotionally can take quite a while, so don't put pressure on yrself to get better or to make things go back to "normal", because they won't...

You've experienced a very big trauma and it's going to take time for you to learn to deal with what happened and how to deal with it.
Yr age has nothing to do with the way yr feeling, whether yr 14 or 40, you would've reacted the same way. What yr feelin gis normal under abnormal cirumstances, but don't try to cope alone.
Speak to a pastor, consellor or therapist and get yr emotions out. It's so important that you find someone you trust and that yr comfortable speaking to them. Try learning some coping mechanisms and maybe doing little things to help you remember your baby, because you don't need to forget that he/she existed... maybe try giving him/her a name or plant a tree or light a candle in rememberance.

I am always available if you need advice, a chat or even vent, please don't be stranger.
Much love, hugs and support,
Evangeline xoxox

thank you for your support...i dont know what my baby was wheter it was a boy or girl.....

It's a pleasure hun I know how confusing it can be to find yr way in the begining.

I think naming yr baby has alot more to do with grieving than simply the gender... As a woman, you saw the pregnancy as a potential baby and therefore you'll greive like a mother who lost her baby due to a m/c (and yr allowed to mourn).
But there are many other memorial activities that you can do to remember yr baby, such as buying yrself a apecial piece of jewllery to remind you of the baby, like a ring, and maybe engrave the 'loss date' inside it.

Or
some women gat a tattoo of their baby's name or the 'loss date' or something significant that reminds you of yr baby.

Or
Write a letter or poem to your baby, quite a few of us wrote letters in the 'after the choice' forum.

Or
you can ask a local headstone company and ask them to make you a small headstone for yr garden with the baby's name or nickname and the loss date on it.

yea thats true thank you....well we named the baby as a boy...Felipe since i am spanish i wanted my baby to have a spanish name..

i know exactly what you're going through, i had an abortion 3 years ago now and i still feel awful about it. one piece of advice i will give is TELL SOMEONE HOW YOU'RE FEELING. i didn't and now im having to have psychotherpay because of it. dont keep it all in.

p.s. mine was called travis :o)

xx