Hello My name is Louise.

In april 2008 i fell pregnant the boy i was with, it wasnt a perfect relationship and i was scared as soon as i saw that positive result. I come from a large family and have numerous nieces and nephews babies,children and teenagers i knew that i couldnt tell my mum. i regret this always and wish i could tell her but now its too late. I didnt want to tell the father i was scared of his reaction and how do you tell someone they could possibly be about to become a father.. I was 19 and he was 28.. I told him one night that i was pregnant he put his head in his hands and asked me what i was going to do.. i told him i didnt know.. and must of repeated this numerous times! the thing is he blocked everything out i was with him for the next two days every minute and not once did he mention the pregnancy he avoided the subject and carried on as normal.. When i left his home we had come to the decision i was to have an abortion i told him i would deal with it and have the abortion.. the next conversation we had i remember so clearly on the phone i told him im not having an abortion, i cant do that and i dont want one.. his tone completely changed and he asked me if i would meet him nearby i did, i got in his car and it broke my heart what he said.. he would not be there for the baby, not for the next 18 years, he didnt agree with me keeping the baby and if i did it would be selfish of me.. i let this man manipulate me and convince me an abortion would be the right thing he bent over backwards to make sure i attended the clinic offering to take me away from the city for the termination driving me to and from the clinics.. I sat in a room for my consultation and decided i dont want to do this, i went to visit my sister and as she knew discussed what i would do.. she was behind me either way and whatever my decision she would be there. i have a good career and a lot has been invested into it i couldnt let my parents down in this way.. my brother and wife were expecting their first baby approximately 8 weeks earlier than i would have had mine..

i recieved a phone call from the father saying he is sorry i should come back home and he will be there for me everystep of the way.. he wasnt he let me down.. i went into that room i had the surgery procedure i felt numb when i walked out of that room.. i hated what i had done and i instantly regretted it.. he dropped me off at my place and left me alone for the rest of the day with noone..

My nephew has now been born he is 9 weeks old and a part of me dies everytime i hold him.. im going to watch this little baby grow up and know that he should have a cousin to grow up with.. it breaks my heart.

i can never get over this.

i can never forgive myself.

i should have listened to myself because as soon as the abortion was done, my boyfriend was gone and i could have done it on my own, i could have had the baby and didnt need him.. now he is not here and i have a guilt i will carry forever not a baby i can love and cherish.

i am broken

my baby would have been due last week

THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY. I AM SURE WITH THE BIRTH OF YOUR NEPHEW, THIS WILL BE A TOUGH TIME WATCHING HIM GROW UP. BUT WHAT IS DONE IS DONE. PERHAPS YOU CAN TURN THAT SADNESS INTO AN EXTRA SPECIAL BOND WITH YOUR NEPHEW? I JUST RECENTLY FOUND OUT I WAS PREGNANT AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M GOING TO DO. HUSBAND AND ALL OTHER FACTORS ARE LEANING TOWARDS TERMINATION, BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW IF I CAN GO THROUGH THAT?

You know, I always found it easier to decide what the right decision was AFTER it had already happen. This is what has happened to you, unfortunatley the consequences were painful and life altering, you brought yourself sadness and grief instead of happiness and empowerment. When we find ourselves with an unplanned pregnancy, the emotions we feel are overpowering. Fear rides us night and day and constantly we question ourselves "WHAT SHOULD I DO? WHAT SHOULD I DO?" and all too often someone who is not in favour of the pregnancy says "just get the procedure and it will go away" as you know, it doesn't. But your boyfriend manipulated you while you were in your most vulnerable moment. What you need to do now is grieve. The baby is gone. You have lost something very special to you and you should feel all the feelings there is. Talk to other people who have had an abortion. And most of all let yourself love the new baby. You will get through this guaranteed.

Hey you're story is really sad and just goes to show what a tough decision it is to make. I know people who have been through the same thing and you just have to not blame yourself. Pressure was obviously put on you to make this decison at a time when you needed the love and support to make a decision for yourself. At least by hearing your story other people can learn from it. I can only say that talking about it might help ease th pain of this for you and if you ever need to talk this website is so great for venting..alot of the people on here have had similar experiences so they might be more helpful...it must be horrible to see your nephew growing up when you dont have your baby but its like any loss..you have to allow yourself time to grieve and heal..xxx