The day i found out i was pregnant was the scariest day of my life, i was so confused, afraid and alone. I didnt beleive it, it felt so un-real, it didnt sink in properly untill i had my first scan and saw his tiny body on that screen, his hands, feet, i could see everything. His beating heart. Then i knew it was for real, there was a tiny person growing inside of me, it was a crazy feeling. Tears started pouring out and i couldnt stop crying.
I kept it a secret, i didnt tell anyone. Not even my bestfriend untill near the end. I didnt know how to tell anyone.
The day when i found out he was gone, i was such a mess. Id gone to the doctors the day before because i was getting realy bad pains in my tummy and i was bleeding. My Dr gave me the form to get an urgent ultrasound but i was too scared incase my worst fear had come true, i didnt want to beleive anything was wrong. So instead of going and getting the ultrasound straight away, i went the next day. It gave me a little time to try and get it through my head that something bad was happening to Taylor. Time to think.. When i saw him on that screen for the second time, i instantly knew something was seriously wrong, it didnt feel right and the lady told me to stay there and she would be back in a sec. When she came back and told me those 4 words "sorry, theres no heartbeat" I started hyperventilating and i couldnt breathe. It felt like everything i was living for was gone, i wanted to die, i would replace Taylors place in heaven anyday. At least that way i would be able to watch him grow.
One of the hardest things is thinking of what could have been. If you know what i mean. Like what would he have looked like? What would he have grown to be? What would is first word have been? What would life have been like if Taylor was strong enough to survive? Would i have been a good mum to him? I know i would have tried my best because he means so much to me, he was my strength when i was having a crap day and everything was going wrong and i felt like i didnt want to live anymore, i just looked at the scans and it made me smile. To know that there was a baby inside of me, fully relying on me. It just made eveything bad go away.
But now, everyday is so hard, it just gets to me so badly. Theres a voice inside my head telling me to move on and get on with life but Taylor was my life. Now hes gone, how am i suppose to move on with my life when my life is gone forever?? Nothing takes the pain away, ive tried everything. Im taking medications but they do jack all. I just wish i could snap my fingers and it would all go away. Everyday is a challenge for me, im tired all the time because i cant sleep most nights. All i wana do is sleep, get drunk, and smoke. Im turning into the person i never wanted to be. Words cant realy explain how i feel about Taylor and the way i feel in general. May 8th 2008 was the date my angel was due to make his first appearnce. Nearly 4 months ago.
I miss him like crazy, i just wish i was holding him in my arms right now. I wish i got one second with him, one cuddle, one kiss..
