In June 2006 I was seeing a guy that I'd lost touch with for about 2yrs. We were friends in summer art camp from 2004, but I was pregnant with my son and he had a girlfriend. Even after that summer was over I still liked him and my feelings grew everyday. I guess his did too because when we started talking again...we clicked instantly!

It was like we'd found the missing puzzle piece from our lives. We talked for hours, we had everything in common, it was like we were ONE PERSON IN TWO BODIES. Everyone agreed.

So...what went wrong? Why did he become someone I didn't reconize anymore? Why did he bring his friend over to \"meet me\" and hang out, but instead we all ended having sex, even though I really didnt want to? Why was I afraid to tell them I didnt want to do it? Why did I contiue to have sex with him? Was I afraid to let him go because he was everything I wanted or because I didnt want to be alone? Both?

Why did he bring another friend over without telling me thsi time? Why did he say they were going to hang out later after they left my house, when he brought him there to have sex with me? Why don't I remember what really happened that day? Why did I have a seizure and throw up? Why did they have sex with me, even though I told him I don't ever want to do anything like what I did before, again?

Why did I get pregnant because of him? Why did he cry when I told him? Why did he want to be a father one moment and want the babies to be aborted the next? Why did he begin to accuse me of sleeping around? Why did I miscarry my baby boy + girl? Why won't he ever talk to me again?

AND

Why do I still love him, when he put me through hell?

you feel like your losing your mind, but trust me, sweetie your not. Its ok to feel the way you feel. I get the impression that you feel used? Its not your fault. Sometimes, we just dont have control over things. Or some things we do, but we let things get to far out of wack, that we lose control. Just remember that everything happens for a reason, and it is absolutely not your fault that you lost the babies. Don't beat yourself up for anything because you cannot change it. Just try to take eachday at a time, step by step, and make yourself learn to cope with the things that you've been through. you know, I often think that some of the things we face in life, come to bring us strength. although at the moment, it may feel like hell, but in the long run you find that some of the trials and tribulations in life have made you stronger. Don't give up hope...I don't know if you pray, but if you do, pray that God gives you the stregth that you need to carry on. Pray that he heals you from the things or people that have hurt you. Pray that he mends your broken heart. You are stronger then you think you are. Remember that in order to see the rainbow, you first have to see the rain. Hopefully you know what I mean by that. you can e mail me anytime if you need someone to talk to. Sometimes we all need someone to talk to. This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

There is no way of telling why or how things happen, they simply do and we have to accept them however painful or unfair. I hate to hear that you went through this but you need to know that at the end of all these why's and how's it is not your fault, never was and never will be.

Be brave girl, we are all here for you.
Anna