My boyfriend and I were together for four years. He was always abusive towards me, even in the begining, when we had been dating for only 2 weeks, he grabbed my throat at a concert and choked me. He was always so remorsful, and sad afterwards, so I believed that he meant it when he apologized, but I now know that he never did. When we turned sixteen, I got pregnant with our first child, Trystan, who is now almost three, he never touched me once when I was pregnant with him, so, I thought all of the abuse, was behind me, I was wrong. Right after I gave birth, he continued to hurt me, he bruised my ribs, my face, my neck, and just about everywhere else, and for some reason, i still believed him when he said \"I love you\". Next, I got pregnant with our daughter, Kaitlyn, and things weren't good at all. I remember many nights, and days, when I would have to roll in a ball and scream, \"please don't hurt the baby\" because the beatings got worse with that pregnancy, luckily, Kate came out healthy and happy, even after having to fear more than once that I would lose her. After she was born, we finally lived in our own house, and he hit me almost everyday. Oneday, I was holding our then two month old daughter, and he pushed me so hard, that my body broke through the wall, it was all that I could do to protect my daughters head. We got married last may, and our marriage was full of rape and abuse, that still torment my dreams to this day. He left me, six months pregnant with twins, alone with our children last october, and hasn't been back since. He has two children that he doesn't even know, but I truely believe in my heart that him leaving was for the best, we are all more happy than ever, yet, I still feel horrible, all of the time, I hurt, more than I ever have, constantly, I do what ever I can to dull it, but it just doesn't go away, I keep finding myself drinking, and stealing pill, though I would never let it inhibit how I care for my kids, but I just can't stop hurting, it hurts so bad that I feel physical pain. I have nightmares that he kills me, and steals my babies, and it horrifies me. I don't know what to do. I need massive help, and someone to talk to. I just can't hold it in anymore. Someone, please help me, please!

HI.

Your post was really painful to read. Painful in the sense that I, and most of us here on this site, are rather powerless to help you.

Sweetie, you have to seek help where you are. We are all here to support you and listen to you but your situation really requires help that is near you. You cannot, allow the mistake that was that relationship further damage your children. Kate, for example, though she seemed to have come out a happy baby, most likely bears the emotional scars that she will have to deal with later on simply because she was a passive observer during your days of abuse.

Do not, please do not allow yourself to further deteriorate with alcohol or pills. Your children need their mother. They do not need a corpse. Further, if something happens to you, their father, abusive as he is, may be given custody. You cannot rsik that. The only thing for you to do is to grit your teeth and bear everything and pick up your life.

We all have our bad stories and the down sides of our lives. The mere fact that you're still alive indicates that there is a great amount of hope for you.

Seek a church that can help you, a counselor also maybe. You need a lot of prayer (both from you and from others).

Is it impossible for you to seek help from your parents? They may be the best source of help that you can get. Admit the mistakes of your past and mend whatever fenches you need to mend.

Please think of your children and find your strength in them. If they need help, it is incumbent upon you that you do whatever it is that you need to do with and for them. Part of that is giving them the mother they deserve -- a pillar of strength and love that has already fought for them and has to fight for them some more.

Please take care of yourself and I'll be praying for you. Send me an email anytime you should need to do so.

Erick

It sounds like him leaving was the best thing he coulda done for the whole lot of you. You shouldn't have put up with that, kits hard when love blinds you but think of the babies...you don't want them growing up and copying that sort of behaviour. I think maybe speaking to a professional might help you deal with the drinking and pill problems. Stay Strong hun and u can do this!

you never really see things the way you should until somebody dies or leaves... Its good he is gone, for you and your childrens sake. its sad that he was that way and im sorry to hear about your painful story. be strong for your babies.. i would never take him back even if he did come back. lifes hard, and raising children on your own must be very HARD but your doing it! by yourself. and that only has made you stronger.. his miss may be big.. but its great to not get hit right? and who knows what he could have done to your babies now or when they get older... be strong hold your head up... be strong.

His leaving was indeed the best thing ever! He has a chemical inbalance in his brain and its also scycological. He would eventually started beating up your kids too - and damage them for life! The dark evil sircle that was gonna develop, luckily ended when he left. Otherwise your kids would have copied his behaviour , lost respect for you and do the same wiht their respective families. Now you have the chance of teaching them love and respect towards other people, especially family or a partner. Girl, when you feel like you want him back or if he wants to come back, please just look in your kids' eyes and think of them first. THEY are BETTER off without him...
Good Luck and God bless!!!

Yolly:)

wow. Why did you stay with him so long? Someone choking me would have ended it there... Did you grow up in a broken house? Was your childhood abusive in anyway? I ask because I believe this has something to do with why you put up with that 'poopy' relationship. You NEEEED to seek professional help, turning to drugs and alcohol will help nothing, they make it worse. It hurts me to read that your depression is so bad that you hurt among other things. Rape can haunt you for a long time, I know. You are an AMERICAN WOMAN you should NOT have to live and dream in fear. There are many chances you passed to report his abuse, but I understand that he might have hurt you. Is there a battered womens shelter around you? You need to get hooked up with the cops, and deffinatly a psychologist. He or she will be able to prescribe you legal pills to help dig you out of that rut. You'll probly benefit from therapy. Please don't let those beautiful children down. Turn your life right side up so you don't have to lose them. If you talk to someone about his abuse, I believe that will lessen the chances of him EVER getting full custody of the babes. You do need to try to talk to your parents and maybe his, depending on your situation. You are so right in that, it is the best thing in your life at the moment that that scum bag left. Now you can start the healing process. You said it yourself, you need help. Now reach out and get it.

If you have recently been sexually assaulted, call 1.800.656.HOPE. This is the number for the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. They can help you begin your recovery process.

www.endabuse.org/

1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
www.ndvh.org/

These are just some starters. Call them and ask someone who can give you advice on how and where to start.

You can do this.


-Suzy