I'm a new mom of a little girl who was born three weeks ago on April 30th. I love her more than words could ever describe, I cannot imagine my life without her she has brought such a light into life... but even so.. I feel like I'm falling farther and farther into a deep dark hole.
Every day it gets a little worse. I wake up every morning and stare at the ceiling of my room and think about how I have yet another day of nothingness to face. I get dressed, clean the house, surf the net, take care of the baby, maybe go to the store, go to bed and then do it all over again.
And I do it all alone. I think it would be bearable if I just had someone here to hold me at night - or simply just to hug me. Tell me everything is okay. Give me some kind of support. Her father is supportive as much as he knows how to be but since we aren't together he cant give me the support that I need the most. He's in love with another girl... something that didn't bother me until our daughter was born. Now I think about them holding hands and kissing and telling each other their problems and just being there for each other... and I hate her. And I hate him. It all doesn't seem fair. I would give anything for someone to care about me the way he cares about her. Someone who loves me. I've never felt love before. Never.
I have loved. I have loved with all of my heart and soul - but I have never been loved in return.
I want to cry with every commercial, tv show or movie that I see that has even a hint of sadness. My chest aches as if someone close to me has died - I want to rip out my heart just to make this pain go away.. this dullness.
I had to stop breast feeding. At first she wasn't latching so I decided to just pump so she could still get the nutrients from my milk. After two weeks of doing that I noticed that I always felt worse afterward. If I was feeling a little down before I started to pump, I was on the brink of tears afterward. I couldn't take the effect it was having on my emotions. I couldn't stand going through the day in tears.
I now regret that decision. The only thing running through my mind is how wonderful breast milk is and how selfish I am for taking that away from my child. If she gets sick, there's a chance that that could have been avoided if I had continued pumping.
I'm sinking so far into this pit of darkness and loneliness that I cant even find the words to reply to my friends here on standupgirl. I love my friends on this site and if it wasn't for them I wouldn't have had a very happy pregnancy. But I haven't talked to them really since I had my daughter. I sign on intending to go talk... and I cant. This shadow envelops me and drags me down... and I sign out.

I don't know what to do. I only have medicaid. I doubt it would pay for anti-depressants and I don't even have a job to pay for it on my own. This is the first time I've made even a small attempt at talking about how I'm feeling. I don't think anyone would understand how I'm feeling... I've had a few people tell me that the baby should help me feel better. A baby doesn't cure loneliness. Even if they did understand how I was feeling.. no one wants to hear it. I know how annoying it can be to hear someone go on and on about how terrible their life is when they really don't have a bad life at all.....but I can't help how I feel.

I want it to go away.

I know exactly how you feel and it is so hard, your words bring tears to my eyes and I wish that I could be there to just hold you and tell you that it will be ok. When I found out I was pregnant with my son, my second, the dad stuck around for like a week and then he left town to do a construction job and told me he would call me in two days when he got home. He did not call me or return my calls for 5 months. I then found out by word of mouth that he had a girlfriend named Megan, my name is Meagan, she has 4 kids and they called him daddy. I was so hurt and broken and pain in the chest as though someone has died was an all to understandable feeling...and really that is the only way to describe it with words because the pain and betrayal is so potent...when I gave birth he brought her to the hospital with him and I saw her at the end of the hallway, standing there all skinny and gorgeous and there I was a blob. I had so much bitterness and resentment built up in my heart and I didn't know how to balance the feelings. Before I had given birth I was taking a shower one night and I was singing a song and the words were, without love I'm nothing, even if I can reach the sky, and if I can move mountains but I have no love, I am nothing, nothing at all...as I was singing those words I felt guilty for the hate stored up in my heart, no matter how I had been treated I could still make the choice to be a good person..I rinsed off quickly and wrapped up in a towel and laid on my bed for almost 2 hours writing a tear stained letter to my sons father. I told him how badly I hurt and that I could not believe he was letting someone else's kids call him daddy when he was going to deny his own son..as I was writing that it hit me stronger that God denied His own Son Jesus and turned His back on Him while on the cross although only for a moment but just long enough to pour out His wrath and heap the sins of the world on Him, my sin, your sin, even my sons dads sins. I told him that in my letter and I told him that if God can find room to forgive him than I could too, no matter if he asked for the forgiveness or not I was not going to let the bitterness rob me from the joy around me. Someone said once that bitterness is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. It is hurting you, it is depriving you of the good things around you and focusing your attention on the negative and hurtful things. I also wrote a letter to his girlfriend with my same name and the 4 kids. I shared my bitterness and resentment towards her and I apologized because I had never even seen her or talked to her and it was not my place to assume or judge who she was. I told her that it confused me how a single mom of 4 could possible be with someone who bailed on his preggo girlfriend and denied the baby. I let it all out and then asked her forgiveness for harboring feelings of hate towards her. I never gave them the letters but the next day he came into my work and he told me he was thinking a lot about how he ran off and the whole issue of her kids calling him daddy and that he felt bad to say the least. He covered almost every detail of the letter I had written as though he had read it and had time to think about how to respond to each issue, I just stood there in shock and so did my co worker/boss who I had just explained the letter to minutes before he walked in the store. Her comment to me was, I thought you didn't give it to him, I simply said, I didn't but God must have...I also eventually shared the letter with his girlfriend and her and I are actually really good friends now although they have been broken up for a year and he has a new one. I know what it is like to see the ceiling in the morning and know that it is another day of blah blah blah...I am a stay home mom and sometimes I feel like all I am good for is cooking cleaning and fixing everyone else's issues while my life wastes away...it can be very mundane and boring and lonely to be isolated from adult conversation and then when you do talk to another adult you talk about diapers and puke and strange rashes on rear ends, you feel like you are no longer yourself but this robot that is programed to do grunt work with no reward...it is hard, I was a single mom for 4 1/2 years, I also went through a season where I was working full time and I would leave the house at like 5:45am and not get home till like 7 at night, I had to be mommy and daddy and pay the bills and cook and clean and kiss owies and comfort when a bad dream woke them up and all the rest, it get tiring and depressing but you know what?? You have a very special gift, you have your own little person who needs you and loves you like no other, your daughter may not be able to tell you or show you in actions, she couldn't tell you happy mothers day or give you a card, she cannot replace the feeling of a mans arms around you but she can be a good substitute until the right man comes along to marry you and redeem this hard season in your life....this season will not last forever, you just need to persevere, keep on keeping on if for nothing else to just be a good mom and to survive this season, your rewards will come down the road you just have to make it there...trust me, I an not down playing your depression or pain, I know it all too well myself, but look at me as at hope, I have been there and no longer am, yes I have bad days and I sometimes feel like a useless grunt worker bee but not all days are like that...yours will not be either...I am here anytime you just need to talk or let it out....also know that your body is still decreasing hormones and that can play a big part of it too....take care and hang in there and know that you are loved and that you will find rewards and blessings in being a mom, someday your prince will come just like mine did, you are worth waiting for and he will be too...lots of love and comfort and huge hugs....Meg, This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. 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I just conducted a quick Medicaid coverage check for depression and antidepressants. Treatment is covered. This should provide a bit of peace when considering what to do next. As one who has experienced the exact symptoms you mentioned I suggest that you quickly get yourself to the wellness clinic for help. What you are experiencing is NOT weakness. The pain is real. You are not crazy or insane. Your body has been through a lot in the last month and hormones or chemicals in your system have not returned to normal.
Take care of yourself and trust that everything will return to normal soon. Please do get to the wellness clinic. Keep us updated please.

Thank you both so much, you have helped me more than I thought possible. Your words have helped me sort through my emotions and come to terms with them. I'm currently trying to get a hold of medicaid, they have yet to send me my card and until they do I cant get any medication.
It could take weeks.
I'm doing my best to stop this feeling from swallowing me up and taking over my life. I have to stay strong for my daughter. Its easier said than done when so little can make you smile.

Once again, thank you for everything.

I know exactly how you feel. I was an absolute emotional mess after having my daughter. Like you the babys father was with somebody else, also a fact that didnt bother me until after she arrived. I would go to bed every night crying. Wake up crying. Spend the whole day crying and wishing the world would end. Wishing my life would end, reaching snapping point where i was either going to live or i was going to kill myself. Its a very scary place to be. I didnt want my baby, and even started adoption counselling. Things were far from the rosy picture people keep telling you motherhood is supposed to be. Get yourself some help asap...id hate to hear things getting worse (though im here to chat if they do...talking is better than bottling it up which just makes you feel worse).

I have impatiently waiting for you to post an update. It is wonderful that you have found a bit of peace while waiting for Medi. Be aware that clinics are available for those waiting for insurance. Whould you need any assistance locating such a resource, please do not hesitate to contact me. Much love to you!! Blessings and peace.